Listening in describes the ability to listen with an intentional suspension of expectations and a willingness to be surprised. This presentation wove the perspective of infant, caregiver, relationship, and culture with concepts from developmental science to offer evidence for the power of the not-knowing stance. It reframed a deficit as an asset —showing that the moments we feel awkward and uncertain are the ones that offer the greatest potential for growth and change.
Human beings cannot thrive without a sense of belonging. Why? That is the question this ground-breaking conference will explore. Claudia M. Gold, MD will deliver her talk “The Developmental Roots of Belonging: Lessons in relational health from infants and caregivers.”
As I shifted from asking questions and giving advice and instead simply listened, I saw families move from anger and disconnection, sometimes through deep sadness, and then to moments of reconnection. A young child would spontaneously run into her mother’s arms to receive a hug. Often I felt a tingling in my arms, and my eyes filled with tears in the presence of rediscovered joy and love.
When we don’t listen, whether as a parent, friend, or professional, most often it is because we are overwhelmed... We want to help, but we feel helpless. We want to “do something.” But without listening, these jumps to action may inadvertently close off, or silence, a child’s communication. When we pause for a moment of human connection and communication, we discover a path to healing.
When a clinician makes time to listen to the story from an infant mental health frame, clinician and client have an opportunity to understand the behavior in its relational and developmental context. Behavior is a form of communication. When we understand that communication, we discover the meaning of the behavior. The path to healing becomes clear.
If we as a culture hold parents in mind, that is, instead of telling them “what to do,” listen to them and support their efforts to “be” with their child and understand her experience, we not only will help with “behavior problems,” but we may actually help to promote healthy brain development.
If we take time to land for a moment on the unique human newborn, both the urgency to support parents, as well as the travesty of neglecting to do so, becomes crystal clear.
Faced with overwhelming anxiety— both internal and external— people cling to certainty as a form of protection. But ironically this certainty only serves to make us more disconnected from each other. We miss the opportunity to grow and change by moving through misunderstanding to understanding.
In my clinical experience I have found that far and away the most powerful agent of change is the process of grieving loss. When I open myself up to what I call “playing in the uncertainty” allowing the visit to unfold without setting an agenda, I’m consistently surprised and amazed that the process takes parents through feelings of profound sadness to powerful moments of connection with me, with their child, and with themselves.
