Human beings cannot thrive without a sense of belonging. Why? That is the question this ground-breaking conference will explore. Claudia M. Gold, MD will deliver her talk “The Developmental Roots of Belonging: Lessons in relational health from infants and caregivers.”
In this book, drawing on more than 3 decades of experience practicing pediatrics while studying, teaching, and writing about contemporary developmental science, I propose a model of what I call “listening in.” It calls for listening with an intentional suspension of expectations and a willingness to be surprised. Getting to Know You presents not a “how-to” guide but rather a way of being that calls for purposeful shifting out of the expert stance to instead sit in the discomfort of not knowing where we’re headed. Our very stance of not-knowing opens the door into a child’s experience, creating space for all members of the family to feel truly seen and heard.
When we don’t listen, whether as a parent, friend, or professional, most often it is because we are overwhelmed... We want to help, but we feel helpless. We want to “do something.” But without listening, these jumps to action may inadvertently close off, or silence, a child’s communication. When we pause for a moment of human connection and communication, we discover a path to healing.
As I shifted from asking questions and giving advice and instead simply listened, I saw families move from anger and disconnection, sometimes through deep sadness, and then to moments of reconnection. A young child would spontaneously run into her mother’s arms to receive a hug. Often I felt a tingling in my arms, and my eyes filled with tears in the presence of rediscovered joy and love.
When a clinician makes time to listen to the story from an infant mental health frame, clinician and client have an opportunity to understand the behavior in its relational and developmental context. Behavior is a form of communication. When we understand that communication, we discover the meaning of the behavior. The path to healing becomes clear.
If we as a culture hold parents in mind, that is, instead of telling them “what to do,” listen to them and support their efforts to “be” with their child and understand her experience, we not only will help with “behavior problems,” but we may actually help to promote healthy brain development.
Over one hundred years ago my grandfather Karl, a young soldier fighting for Germany in World War I, lay dying in the front-line trenches. He suffered with a fractured leg and what was described as “catarrh” in the meticulously kept German records. Another young soldier from Adelaide, Australia who presumed him dead, took home a pocket watch he discovered in Karl’s uniform.
Many people in our world today act from a place of anger, often rooted in fear. But if we lean into kindness, we may find our way home.
Many of my colleagues in a variety of disciplines, pediatrics included, feel enormous pressure to be the “expert” and to know “what to do” in a wide range of challenging circumstances. This story reveals how connection lies not in knowing but rather in “not-knowing.” We can offer a relationship: our full presence along with respectful, nonjudgmental observation of parent and infant together. The relationship itself serves to contain the anxiety that accompanies uncertainty.