Early Relational Health: Preventing Intergenerational Transmission of Shame

Guilt can be a normal and healthy emotional experience. “I’m guilty” can also mean “I’m responsible.” Shame, in contrast is always pathological, and can have destructive effects on emotional development. But without an opportunity to hear the family story, it is impossible to distinguish between the two. Knowing Paul’s story, we can understand it as a kind of intergenerational transmission of shame. Isabel’s sad feelings and expressions of low self-esteem were a communication of distress at an environment of rage, directed both at her and between her parents. One can understand her behavior not as an illness but as an adaptive effort to change the situation.

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Roots of Democracy Lie in Listening to Parents

Nelson Mandela famously said, “The true character of a society is revealed in how it treats Its children.” A more accurate revision might read: “how it treats its parents and other caregivers of infants.” As Winnicott wisely observed, “It should be noted that [caregivers] who have it in themselves to provide good-enough care can be enabled to do better by being cared for themselves in a way that acknowledges the essential nature of their task.”

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“Just Because It’s Hard, You’re Not Doing It Wrong:” Learning from Babies and Parents

For only by understanding what is “normal”- or the term I prefer “typical” -can we build a model of promotion and prevention. A frame of understanding rooted in healthy development can guide treatment of families when development has gone awry. This model has relevance for relationships throughout our lives. Simply taking time to carefully listen to parents with a young infant as they take us inside their moment-to-moment experience can be an important part of our collective learning.

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ADHD in Preschoolers: A Case of Polarizing Certainty

The rush to diagnose itself represents an intolerance of uncertainty. Sitting in the discomfort of not-knowing while taking time to make sense of the problem calls for a feeling of safety and community of support both of which are lacking for parents and professionals alike. Parents feel judged about their child’s behavior. Clinicians feel urged to find the answer in unrealistically brief visits under pressure of a waiting room full of kids.

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Autism Prevention in Infancy: A Broad Interpretation

Especially in the time of COVID parents are raising children in a highly stressful, unpredictable, and often overwhelming environments. Now more than ever, deliberate efforts to protect space and time to listen both to parents and infants using a simple, low-cost intervention, as described in Green’s research, might go a long way in mitigating the negative impact of these difficult and uncertain times.

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Sleepless New Parents: Navigating Uncertainty and Loss

Sleep itself represents among the earliest forms of separation. While sleep disruption inevitably accompanies new parenthood, when families suffer to the point that they find their way to my office, usually they are grappling with a deep sense of loss. A search for certainty becomes an obstacle to exploring the source(s) of that pain. Time and a safe space for listening offers families opportunity to move through grief to reclaim joy.

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A Child’s Joy in Growing Up: A View from the Pandemic

Typically, the process of separation of child from parent takes place both gradually and relentlessly. The pandemic put a long pause on this natural progression. As we begin to resume “normal” life many will manage re-entry without significant difficulty and get back on track. But for those with a variety of vulnerabilities, the expanse of time to live in the ambivalence may lead to developmental derailment. Whether 2, 12, or 20 these children and their families will need an extra dose of listening and support to find their way forward.

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There’s Something Wrong with My Baby: Beyond Reassurance

A great teacher once said to me, “Reassurance is an assault.” When a parent worries something is wrong with their child, reassurance that “everything is fine” can feel dismissive, producing a sense of being misunderstood and alone. Behind the worry lies a story. With protected time for listening, meaning can come to light.

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Bearing Witness to Terror: Alana and the Apricots

After a few moments Kayleigh broke the silence. “This is what she does whenever we talk about food.” They now saw the fear in their daughter, but when I asked how long this fear had been present, Charese immediately thought of herself. She said softly, “Since she was born.” For Charese and Kayleigh the terror we saw in Alana connected directly to their own memory of terror that their daughter might die. The feeling now expressed in Alana’s behavior held a grip on the whole family. The therapy setting allowed us to slow the process down.

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The Exquisite Pain of a Child’s Sadness: Finding Confidence to Bear It

Toni held the drawing up to the Zoom camera. for me to see A stick figure stood in the middle: big blue tears the size of her head lined the page reaching from her eyes to the ground below at her feet. Even through the screen I could feel the heart wrenching pain portrayed in the picture. Toni surprised me by then saying, “I want her to be able to feel sad.” I asked if she would tell me more. She vividly recalled experiences from her own childhood when she sensed that her parents could not accept her feelings. Sadness transformed to anger and then uncontrolled rage. The frustration of not being seen felt alive in her now as she held her daughter close.

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